Is there a juice cleanse for life?

Thursday, September 20, 2012

I've been thinking about what I want to do with this blog. But like every other thought, it's stuck in a traffic jam in my brain. I want my blog to be about the things that inspire me / intrigue me / fulfill me / happy unicorns blah blah etc. But I have to admit, stuff just sucks right now. Life is both overwhelming and underwhelming. Specifically, I am overwhelmed by how underwhelming my life is at this juncture. I'm on a "this is not my beautiful life" Ferris wheel and I can't get off the ride. And I hate Ferris wheels.


So what's a girl to do? I don't know. I can't figure it out. I am perpetually confused and chronically dissatisfied. And unfortunately, when I'm feeling like this, I embrace all my bad habits. Which, of course, bring me down more. I could take a long walk to clear my head. Instead I'll sit on the couch, having wine & olives for dinner, and watch 10 episodes of whatever show I'm into that day (side note: Parks & Recreation is a really great show). Or sometimes it's chocolate milk and potato chips. I know all the things I should do. But I feel like I've been trying all those things for the last 10 years and ZOMG when is it, any of it, going to start working?!

What's hilarious is that I'm actually a closet optimist. No one ever believes that because of the matter of fact way I talk about things. People die, people lie, people disappoint you, you disappoint people. That's kinda my thing... ALL the people are irretrievably fucked up. And I believe that will always be the truth. We won't ever be perfect. I don't even believe in perfect. But we can all be better. We can learn, grow, evolve, and yes, change. But only if we choose to. And most people don't. Heh. That probably doesn't sound very optimistic. But I swear it is. I never give up on people. I have tried to give up on people but I literally can't. It's kind of endlessly frustrating, I'll admit. Probably for them too. Maybe I'm not an optimist... maybe I'm just a sucker? I don't know. I can't figure this all out in one blog post! ;)

But back to my doldrums... I'm stuck right now. And I don't know how to unstick myself. I know I need to. I need to, in the words of Bob Dylan, "shake some windows and rattle some walls." But I'm a bit paralyzed by just how much I want to change. And it feels like everyone around me is going thru the same thing. So where do I turn? I joked on Twitter last year that I what I need is a combo psychiatrist / life coach / philosopher... but I don't think that's a real thing. I don't know what to do. I suppose it's OK to admit that every once in awhile. Right?* I'm not giving up. I'm not admitting defeat. I'm just laying it all out there. I am confused and fearful and unsettled by it all. And that's OK.

Sometimes, that's just what I need.

*Somebody validate me immediately!! Heehee.


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